Depression is such a funny thing sometimes. Some days, like today, all I feel is this constant pressure… constant heaviness behind my sternum, almost like someone is pressing down on it. Other days, like this past weekend… I can’t find the energy or the will to get out of bed. It’s really hard. I have this inner monolog of “Who really fucking cares? What does it matter? Why bother?” at war with my anxiety, which is always just this… erratic apprehension and nagging guilt and fear of what’s going to happen if I don’t GETUPDOITRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOW. It’s so exhausting.
Today the pressure is more in my throat region. I get these random bursts of anger, bubbliness, and sadness… mostly the latter two at present. I feel choked a bit, like right before a good cry.
I hate having depression. I find I’ve been struggling with it a little bit more recently than I have in a while. No suicidal ideation, but man… I can’t handle the lows. In fairness… I’m under more stress than I normally am. Work has been crazy. Of course, I can’t speak about specifics because of confidentiality and whatnot, but it’s been crazy. I’m not the only one that is burning out at the hospital, let me tell you.
Then… this guy that I have been seeing since the end of last year – let’s refer to him as DC – stood me up at the beginning of April. We were supposed to have dinner at my house and he was supposed to stay to watch movies and we were going to have a nice night in. He stood me up. No call, no text… blew me off completely. Didn’t hear from him for a little while, and then I got the “I’m sorry, we should hang out soon and I’ll make it up to you” text. Tried to suggest somethings… and nothing. A little while later, I’m scrolling through Facebook, and I come across this post that he was tagged in (I don’t know why Facebook does this – I don’t give a fuck what my friends are being tagged in when I am not friends with the person who’s tagging them) that was this girl gushing about how “incredible” the last year with him has been, how much she “loves” him and how she doesn’t care how “flawed” he is (and honestly – who the fuck says that?). Turns out DC has been seeing this girl for over a year and had been with her the whole time we had been seeing each other. In a lapse of better judgment, I sent him a text congratulating him on his relationship with this girl, meaning it to be scathing and sarcastic. DC being who he is… right over his head, and he thanked me. He then had the audacity to say that we could still talk. Yeah, right. Like I want to talk to you after learning what a big lying fuckface cobb knobbler you are? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. It sucks, and it really stings, because I did really like DC and now I am running into him and his girlfriend every time I go downtown. And I find myself being judgemental and harsh and bitter and I hate it. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t know the girl, it isn’t her fault, and I’m sure she’s really nice. I hate feeling so full of rage sometimes but it makes me feel better to be mad at her. When I ran into them at Dairy Queen, all I wanted to do was go up to her and ask her really lewd things about their sex life. Make some shitty, nasty comments about what we used to do and what he used to want to do and then walk away with a smile.
Of course… I didn’t, but oh my goddess… I wanted to. This song has my feelings summed up: