Blame, and other things.

One of the things that I hate about my job is the amount of blame that I have put on me on a daily basis.

Patients miss their appointments… my fault.
Patients forget that we’ve moved locations despite the adverts in the paper, verbal warnings beforehand, etc… my fault.
The doctor won’t write an increase to their opiate dose over the phone… my fault.
A patient can’t get through on the phone because I am on the other line… my fault.

Always my fault. I got sworn at in-person for the first time the other day, and I’m still reeling a bit. Normally I would just let it roll off of me, but with medication changes and the fact that I’m working so much that the days blend together… I’m blurring a little, and I guess that particular morning I was a little bit more blurred than I have been. Thankfully, I have an amazing boss who not only came out and intervened, she backed me up, and then came out to see if I was alright after.

It’s to be expected, considering the career I have chosen. I deal with people every day that are sick, are dying, have found out bad news, or who are anxious. Despite being painfully polite, professional, and trying to exert some calming energy, it’s not enough. Some people get affronted that their issues aren’t being treated fast enough, or they have unrealistic expectations.
Some people are just assholes. It’s such a shame that the negativity I get is what I remember about people, the good things rarely stick or it’s hard to remember. We have a lot of good patients, who are kind and I have a good rapport with, but my brain doesn’t seem to focus on them as much. Sometimes I feel like I went into the wrong industry, but it’s been two years… I don’t know what else I would do at this point. I’ve considered getting my librarian certification… and I have been giving serious thought to getting my piercing certification.

Which isn’t new for me… I’ve given a lot of thought to it before. The only thing that has kept me from it has been the fact that I would have to take a sabbatical or a leave of absence and leave town for a little while. The closest reputable piercing class is seven hours away in Vancouver, the farthest being almost across the country in Brampton, Ontario. Which… would be ideal because I’ve never been and no one there would know me, but it’s so far away. 🙁

Something to think about, anyway. I would have to save a considerable sum, but I’d be able to set my own hours and such. Be my own boss. Which would be nice.

Thank goodness today is an administrative day and I have the office to myself. If I had to deal with any ornery people today, I’d lose my shit. Hopefully, I will be in a better mood for when I have to go up to the hospital later. I have so much to do this weekend, and my anxiety is ramping up a bit because I am getting a head cold and the idea of doing it all… I’m becoming avoidant. I have to remove all of the laundry baskets I’ve been living out of since the evacuation to make room for removing my old, broken dresser, and bringing in my new one. Removing my old dresser means that I have to move Leviathan’s tank, my jewelry boxes and my perfumes, my giant Monster High dolls and find a spot to put those… I also have to remove Leviathan’s old fish tank, which is going to be a job and a half. Vacuum, flip my mattress and then re-fold all of my clothes and arrange them in the new dresser. It’s going to be a lot of work, and I’ve been avoiding it since I got home from the evacuation, but winter is on our heels now and it can’t be avoided anymore.

I’m hoping I don’t convince myself to put it off. That has happened. Maybe I can make my misery power my productivity.

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