So, I found out last night that my Aunt Betty died.

All I can really say is that “devastated” can’t even begin to cover it. It was completely out of the blue and I am still in a bit of shock. According to my cousin, she was found unresponsive in her home by a friend, and the EMS crew that arrived were unable to revive her. She was transported to Nanaimo, and the autopsy is supposed to be done either today or tomorrow. I’ve been told that it’s just a waiting game now, and hopefully, there will be some answers after the inquiry has concluded.

My cousin mentioned that my aunt was very depressed, and wasn’t being honest about it. She was taking some pretty heavy duty anti-depressives and just didn’t tell anyone. Hearing that made me very sad and I am beginning to get this feeling that maybe that had something to do with it. Her depression, I mean. Suicide is not something that I like to think about, but if she was as depressed as my cousin indicated, perhaps that might be a possibility.

I am having a difficult time putting words to what I’m feeling. I’m sad, I’m numb, I’m angry, I feel cheated. It’s coming in waves and I really just… I don’t know. Grief is hard for me. I feel angry at myself, mostly… I didn’t know my aunt that well and I wish I had. She and I had spoken on the phone a couple of times since Emilie was born, and we exchanged a few letters, but that was all of our communication in the last few years. To be honest, I am not that close at all with my paternal side of the family. My uncle cut ties with everyone, and my cousins are several hours away and have their own busy lives… if it weren’t for Facebook, I probably would know nothing about them at all.

It’s a shame, and I’m sad. Tonight I feel like I might anoint a candle and meditate and just… let myself feel. Grief is hard for me. Having to keep my strong face on all the time is so exhausting. It doesn’t allow me to have the break down I need every so often, but keeping with my resolutions, I’m going to say “fuck it” and let it happen.

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