I have started, re-started and then deleted only to re-start again, on this post I don’t know how many times now. The last few months have been pretty crazy – they’re still a bit crazy for my liking – but they are starting to settle down and I am trying to get myself into a bit of a routine.
I moved into my own apartment at the end of November. It’s been a bit of journey with that. I am still in the process of unpacking and I don’t have all of my things from my parents’ home as of yet, but it is still a work-in-progress. I managed to get all of my books brought over, which was the most important thing to me. I lost two bookcases in the move, one to poor construction (I bought these cases off of my sister and apparently she doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground) and the other due to water damage. All that’s left to move are my art supplies, a couple pieces of furniture, and some random bric a brac that I really don’t know where I’m going to put. Mom said I could keep it at the house for as long as I needed, which was a big relief. I’m going to try and get all of my other unpacking done and get the rest. Hopefully the weather will be better by then and we can just get the rest in one swoop and be done with it. I hate moving. It is a bane in my life and I am hoping and praying that this will be the last time that I have to do it for the next couple of years.
The apartment itself is pretty awesome. My building is pretty quiet, the neighbours that I have met so far (except for two) have been pretty great. I have in-house free laundry facilities, cable/internet is included with my rent for a small fee… pretty much the only thing that isn’t included in my rent is my electricity, which hasn’t been too bad so far. Still have to run behind the kids and remind them to turn lights off, and use mostly natural light during the day, but I can’t complain.
January is always a “hump” month for me. There is always holiday fall out, and this year with moving and trying to get my life together in my new space and everything that goes along with that, plus working double-shifts between the clinic and the hospital… it really has been a hump month this year. Christmas was an absolute disaster, and because of family disagreements, I ended up with the task of making dinner. My Google search items now include “how to cook an 18 lb turkey,” and I am happy to say that it both turned out exceptionally well and I didn’t give a single person food poisoning. New Years was spent watching Netflix on the couch. I thought about going out, but being the tired old fart that I am and the whole… not wanting to be around people… thing that I have, Netflix seemed like the best option. Since New Years, it’s just been about finding balance. My life seems to be 80% work right now, and everything else seems to be suffering, but thankfully this week will be my last week of double-shifts and then my life will go back to a normal balance. Just in time too, because February is my birthday month and I really don’t want to spend my newly 32 at the hospital, where it seems like the life just gets sucked out of me.
Turning 32 has put me in a weird… contemplative sort-of mood. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do, and with it also being a new decade, it seems appropriate to just kind of… step back and evaluate where my life is at and where I want it to go. My mental health has always been a sore point for me, and as a result of my own lapses and failures in seeking help when I needed it, I have developed this nasty habit of sabotaging myself. Like, “oh my dad was mean to me, so I’m going to eat an entire bucket of chicken” kind of sabotage. Really thinking about it… no wonder I had a heart attack, and really the only person I have to blame is myself. I knew better, I know better, and I still allowed myself to push my better judgement to the side and go for the sabotage. Because it’s really so easy, isn’t it? It’s just such an easy trap to fall back into. It’s been my pattern for the last few years, and I think my goal for this year is to break those bad habits. It’s going to be a lot of struggle, but I think the journey will be worth it, if I can come out on the other side as a healthier, more balanced individual.
One of the aspects of my contemplation is what I want to do with this blog. I haven’t been good with updating, I haven’t been good with keeping it up… and honestly, that makes me a bit sad because blogging has been a big part of my life since I was really young and I’ve always had it as an outlet to fall back on. In order to return to that, I have decided that I’m going to be changing up things around here and try to get myself more active. Hopefully it works. If it doesn’t, it might be time to shut the doors. Who knows. We’ll have to see.
I hope you’re all doing well! Welcome 2020.