I have started and re-started this entry so many times, I have lost track at this point. I guess I am just making this quickly to say that I am okay, and that I am still alive. It has been difficult to stay that way, and it’s a daily struggle, but so far I am day-to-day and that’s enough for me right now, I guess.
My life has effectively fallen apart in the last month, and I am struggling quite a bit to get myself back into step and back into some semblance of functionality. To protect the privacy of my daughter and because of the legal implications, I can’t talk specifics about what has happened, but there was an incident that happened in October that has split my little family up. I had to go to the police, and thankfully the Victims Services division was able to get me into crisis counselling, which I have started and it seems to be helping. I have placed a lot of blame on myself that doesn’t belong to me, which I am learning to deal with. I am suicidal, for the first time in a very long time, and I am learning to deal with that as well. I considered taking off of work and checking myself into the hospital, but I seem to need the distraction of work and maintain my routine in order to keep myself afloat. Not to mention, I wouldn’t want my colleagues to know… despite the rules, people talk amongst themselves and this is something I would be mortified for them to know about. Anxiety has been my constant companion since everything occured, and though I have Ativan to take as needed when I start to panic and get overwhelmed, I now have a tremor in my hands and I get spasms in my face. My appetite comes and grows. The desire to sleep and do nothing else comes and goes. I am hoping that with time, this will resolve, but this is one of those issues that I feel is going to take months to heal. Maybe years. Maybe it won’t. The fact that I have no definitive timelines for anything gives me more anxiety. I am a planner, and this is something that can’t be planned for and I think that’s one of the reasons I am struggling so bad.
My counsellor says I need to take this time to grant myself forgiveness, grace, and compassion, but I am having difficulty with that. She says I am trying to take on too much at once and she is correct in that, but that is part of who I am and that’s one of the things I need to work on.
I have always been someone who has thrived in solitude, has flourished in the silence of things and preferred the company of self to the company of others. This is still true, but at times after I put my daughter to bed, the solitude and the silence and being alone is completely overwhelming. I keep thinking that this entire thing was a bad dream and that I’m in an apparition and I’ll wake up and my life will be how it was before, but once I’m alone, it sinks in and it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. This year has been all about adjusting to “new normals,” and I now hate every second of it. This is absolute hell to me, and the misery is almost like having this living, breathing, thing attached to me and weighing me down. I feel like I’m standing at the bottom of a very steep hill, and I’m watching a giant boulder roll down towards me, but I can’t move out of the way because my feet have fused to the ground. I’m going to be crushed and I can’t stop it from happening.
Some days are better than others. Some days, like today, I am able to fake it. It’s exhausting. I feel powerless.
But anyway. I am as okay as I can be, and I’m still alive. I’m going to try and come back to this space; I am quite disconnected from my life and forcing myself to plug back in might help. Who knows.