Belated Beltane blessings to all of my siblings in witchery. I hope you all had a delicious day and your celebrations were fruitful.
I wasn’t much for celebrating this Beltane, unfortunately. I went to a barbeque at my sister & brother-in-law’s, and just had a quiet, meditative night at home, contemplating on what my next steps are for this month. I have been very much in my feelings these last few weeks… and I’m having a lot of trouble expressing myself lately. My only connections to my friends, the people I feel comfortable with are online, and I’m scared to reach out. I really am. I share a lot of mutual friends with my ex, and I don’t know who I can trust/confide in, because I’ve been told that my ex’s defense team is going to scour my social media, they’re probably going to review this blog and they’re going to look for anything and everything they can to discredit me. Because I don’t know who I can trust, who’s to say that someone I confide in won’t feel sympathetic to him and provide his attorney with things I’ve said in confidence? Which… is a terrible feeling. I feel like I constantly have a big hand around my neck and it’s squeezing me just slightly as a warning.
I am always given the impression by others that I just… did this. Like, I just made up this story to tell the police, convinced my daughter to go along with it, to get rid of him and ruin his life. Which… is absolutely maddening; I wasn’t even the first person she told and what reason could I have for doing this? What benefit would I receive from doing such a thing? Crippling anxiety and loneliness? Financial struggles? Basically having to give up my second job? Forget the fact that that is completely psychotic and the last time I checked, I am an empathetic and loving human being. I walk in the street to prevent myself from stepping on slugs because that’s just who I am. I don’t like to hurt people unnecessarily. Yes, I look hard, I can sometimes talk a little hard, and I have some morbid interests, but to do something like this? I couldn’t even fathom it. I was prepared to spend my entire life with that man. I was prepared to build a future, and expand our family, and devote myself to him. The fact that people think I just did this… it makes me feel sick. I loved him. I fucking loved him, even in times where he didn’t deserve it. I still have love for him, to this day. If I wanted to break up with him and get him out of my apartment, there are easier and less traumatic ways of doing so. He was my person. He felt like my soulmate.
But he hurt my daughter. And that is something I cannot forgive. I made missteps in the beginning. Hekate gave me this beautiful treasure to love, cherish, and guard and I made some big missteps, and I own that. I own my fuck ups. I shouldn’t have left the window of communication open for as long as I did, I shouldn’t have allowed him to stay in my head and gaslight me and manipulate me. Innocent people don’t gaslight. Innocent people don’t feel the need to manipulate. I should have shut him up and shut him out right away, and I know that now. I accept my daughter’s truth. I accept what she told me and I believe her.
One of the things that I am struggling with is accepting that none of this, none of what has happened, is my fault. I didn’t make the choice to do this. I didn’t cause this to happen. He made this choice. He chose to do what he did. He chose, not me. And even though I know this, even though I repeat this to myself a millions times per day, it still feels like it is. I keep thinking that there should have been a sign, or a clue somewhere… and there wasn’t. My counsellor tells me that that’s why people like this are so good at what they do – there are no clues, no signs – they can manipulate it in such a way that allows them to operate with none being the wiser. I just wish that it could make me feel better because I’m stuck in these feelings and I’m having a hard time with it. My counsellor keeps telling me that I need to give myself grace and time, but it’s hard.
Anyway. If my ex’s defense counsel is reading this, hello. My feelings are my own and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m going to go get Starbucks and listen to Aiden.