I have been really enjoying this song by Molchat Doma, so I wanted to just leave it here to share with you all. This has been very much my vibe lately.
I had originally planned to make this post for the first week of January, but things in Offline Land have been quite chaotic, so I unfortunately have been unable to actually sit down to type it out until now. Not to mention, I have been quite engrossed with the insurrection situation that has been going on in the USA. I seem to always end up doom scrolling on Twitter, and that’s never good for anyone. I’m trying to stop myself, but I get sucked in, and it hasn’t been good for my already-sky-high anxiety levels.
Anxiety… where to begin. As part of the legal situation I am in right now, I have been dealing with being investigated by the Ministry of Children and Families. My anxiety has basically rendered my blood pressure medication inert. I can’t seem to get below 150/100 and it’s been concerning, because I’m no longer used to my blood pressure being that high and it can be painful. Think of… really powerful heart palpitations after drinking too much Red Bull. But it’s constant. I am hopeful that the investigation will be concluded soon with a positive result, but it’s been stressful to say the least. I’m quite a private person and I protect my space, and having to throw everything wide open for the eyes of a stranger has been… violating, to say the least. The day before the home visit, I couldn’t eat and what I did manage to keep down just went right through me. I am also trying to catch up on my sleep… I haven’t been sleeping as well as I should be. I have been thinking about taking a trip down to the dispensary and getting their advice on a good strain for sleep, but the price of marijuana is a bit crazy and outside my budget at the moment.
The charges have been approved against my former partner and we’re moving on to the next steps. Thankfully, the Crown prosecutor who is dealing with my daughter’s case has been very kind and has been super helpful with answering my dumb questions. The coordinator at Victims Services has been amazing with me, too. She calls me regularly to check in to to update me on how things are proceeding. I have not yet had to appear in court, but I’ve been told that if things proceed to trial, myself as well as my daughter will have to testify. I’ve been assured that everyone involved will be focused on preventing re-traumatization, which was something I have been concerned about because I still don’t know to what extent this has affected my daughter. I probably won’t for a while. She starts her own counselling next Friday, and I am continuing with my counselling, and I am hoping that somewhere down the road, we will have sessions together.
Emotionally… I seem to be doing a lot better than I was. Counselling has helped me a lot, and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and reading and just kind of… been sitting in my own space. I’ve predominantly been dealing with a lot of anger, and a lot of resentment, but I am working with my counselor on ways to cope with that. Having Christmas with my family was really good – I got to make dinner and the turkey turned out incredibly (see picture on left – I didn’t manage to get an after picture because everyone was too hungry to wait). My brother was a big help because we found out halfway through dinner preparation that the meat thermometer was broken. Matt works in a kitchen, and though he’s not a trained chef, he works with trained chefs and his sense of timing when it comes to food is pretty impeccable. Not to mention, he’s a big follower/supporter of Gordon Ramsay, and he is very studious of what Gordon teaches. I was very thankful for his help. As far as presents were concerned, my daughter made it out like a bandit. I got a Starbucks gift card, a beautiful tapestry of a spirit/Ouija board, socks, a lovely witchy looking mug with a tabby cat on it, the new Sevendust CD and my sister bought me this gorgeous Jack Skellington Scentsy warmer. It’s so beautiful. I was really happy with my gifts. Overall, I had a nice, quiet, family Christmas. New Years was spent at home, watching movies and pigging out on the couch. I think I made it to about 12:30 before I had to go to bed. Seems to been the pattern with how I’ve spent my New Years for the last few. This time I have no one to kiss, though. Which was okay, I handled it better than I thought I would.
In the tradition of new years past and present, normally I would post my list of resolutions and goals, but with the current situation and what I’ve going through… I’ve decided not to do that. One of the things I have to learn in 2021 is to be by myself. I don’t need the presence of a significant other in my life to be valid, I don’t need the praise of a partner to be happy. Is it going to suck? Yeah. I love being in love; I think that I just… love the concept of “love” in general and I have always moved between serious relationships. I am hopelessly forever a romantic, and I have always believed that one day my Gomez Addams would claim my dark little heart, that my Mr. Darcy would walk out of the morning mist and tell me on bended knee about how I had bewitched him and he couldn’t go on without me. I think that I need to just… kill that fantasy and accept how unrealistic and unreasonable it is. Every person I have ever been in a relationship with has been either a predator, a cheater, someone who didn’t actually like me that much and just kept me around for sex, or someone who used me as a beard and was too homophobic to admit they’re gay. And as whoever comes up with those inspirational quotes always says… if none of your relationships work out, maybe you’re the problem. I think I am. I put these people into these places that they don’t fit, just because I want love so bad and I want to be someone’s wife so bad. I have to accept that that is a “me” problem, and I need to fix it. My life hasn’t gone how I had planned or wished it had, and that’s okay. I have lost myself and I need to find and define that what makes me “me.” I need to learn to love and be with myself. Then maybe, the right one will come. And if not, if I am to join spinsterhood and be firmly placed on the shelf, then that’s okay too because I will be happy with me.
I wasted 2020 worrying about things I couldn’t control. 2021… well… I don’t want to spout off about “new year, new me” crap because I never keep those goals. It’s the same me, but this year I am going to work on myself and that’s the only goal I am making. All aspects of my self, and maybe come 2022, I will finally be someone I can be proud of and happy with.
I hope you’re all doing well. 🙂