• Daily,  Music,  Work Related


    So… I just typed up a giant post about what’s been going on in my stressful last few months that I touched on in my previous post, but I decided last minute to scrap it. I don’t need to rehash the nonsense and get my adrenaline spiking again.

    TL;DR version of the last few months: My boss was offered a position in a clinic 14 hours north of here, and she was going back and forth on whether or not to take it. She decided that she was going to take it, and the clinic would be closing in January 2020. Originally what was proposed was for me to go with, then it changed to I would show up 6 months later, then it changed to I wasn’t going at all and I would receive a decent severance. Lots of panic, stress, and hair falling out on my part because I don’t have much in the way of opportunities here for full-time work locally, and none of the other clinics would match my hospital wage. So after much deliberation and freaking the fuck out, I started making plans to relocate to Kamloops, as the hospital in Kamloops is always in need of people (especially now that they’re expanding). My boss went up north for a 3-week locum period, decided that she hated it, and decided she was not going to leave.

    My stress levels are still a bit on the fritz, my hair is still kind of falling out a bit, but it’s back to business as usual. Which is good for me, because the very thought of relocating to Kamloops makes my skin crawl (my daughter’s father and his new family live there and the idea of running into them makes my head want to pop off of my neck and roll into the void), but it’s bad because now I’m wary. Like… really wary of this happening again, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

    I’m hoping that will change with time, but who knows.

    I’ve decided that my goal for 2020 is to finally take the plunge and get my drivers license. I have put it off for such a long time, and it’s gotten to the point now where I just need to get over my anxiety of it and just fucking do it. If I can get a small beater car to learn on, that would be ideal. I need to speak to the driving school up the road from my office to see when the next classes start. My mom is pretty supportive, and she’s agreed to help me out with insurance and all that, so I’m feeling pretty positive about it.

    I kind of feel like I am in an “in-between” space in my life right now. Like I have left something behind and I’m about to embark on something or make a pivotal choice. Needless to say, the holidays are going to be full of doing shadow work and lots and lots of tarot and listening to female rappers on the regular. I’ve been listening to a lot of these beautiful ladies, and they inspire me a good deal.

    Till the next one. I have the Deipnon, Noumenia, and Samhain in the same week. There is much baking and crafting to be had.

  • Daily


    I had planned on this post being a review of the new Whitechapel album, “The Valley,” but seeing as how it took Metal Blade like… three weeks to ship my order after my payment went through and was confirmed, and for some reason, Canada Post attempted to deliver it to a community four hours north of me, that post is going to have to be put on hold. Next time I’m just going to buy from Amazon. At least Canada Post was pretty good with re-routing the delivery and they didn’t give me too much shit. Canada Post has a tendency to be difficult, especially when they’re covering their own butts. I would do it off just listening to the album on Spotify, but I want the physical thing in my hands first. Call me old fashioned, but I have a method. LOL.

    Anyhow. Dealing with all of this health nonsense is super draining. I had my ECG done, and my doctor said that the wave abnormalities it showed were only seen in patients who have suffered and survived massive heart attacks. She doesn’t think I actually had one, because my blood work doesn’t reflect that, but there isn’t really any other explanation as to why those abnormalities are there. She referred me to see an internist, who was lovely. He didn’t think I had a heart attack either, but he wanted me to document my blood pressure for a few weeks and go for another ECG. That ECG came back with the same abnormality, so he thinks that it’s just my normal. His advice was essentially to keep taking my blood pressure medication, keep checking my blood pressure regularly and keep trying to lose weight. He also thinks it’s related to sleep apnea, so I had to do an overnight oximetry test, which came back suggestive for “sleep disordered breathing.” I was going to proceed to doing the CPAP trial, but they wanted $200 up front, and then if the trial was successful, they wanted another $1700 for the machine and I was like “Yeah… nope.” I don’t have extended health at the moment, Pharmacare doesn’t cover that and I just don’t have that amount of money kicking around. It’s bad enough I have to fork over $600 for my new glasses, which is just… bullshit, if you ask me. I had to take a bunch of shifts at the hospital to cover it, which just ground my gears because I get so tired after working at the hospital. I don’t know if it’s the air, or it’s the fact that I sit there for 11 hours with very minimal amount of work to do and it feels like my will to live is leaving my body. Who knows.

    Looking into obtaining some extended health, though. Hate dealing with that, let me tell you. How am I supposed to remember when I was first diagnosed with depression? It was in 2005 sometime, that’s all I know. Bunch of bullshit questions. At least the eating healthy is going well (for the most part).

    I’m in dire need of a weekend away. I’m planning a trip to possibly either Kamloops or Quesnel sometime in June. As long as we’re not on fire, I think it’ll be great. Though fire season seems to have started early this year, I am not going to let it deter me. Or the possibility of running into Emilie’s father if I decide to go to Kamloops (just have to be mindful). A nice weekend away would be just… so ideal. I didn’t get to take any holiday while my boss was in the Dominican, and I’ve been working at the hospital for the last few long weekends. Either that or I’ve been sick. Thankfully, David will be going with me. It’d be nice to spend some “us” time, and at least he is able to appreciate my love of books. I have no fear of him following me around Chapters and asking asshole questions, like: Do you really need that many books? Are you seriously going to read all of those? Why do you need so many? Haven’t you read that book already? Why don’t you just watch the movie? Et cetera, et cetera. The last trip I made to Chapters was with my ex-boyfriend Kyle, and he was relentless with that bullshit. I promised the next person who did that to me would be lit on fire and left in a dumpster out back, because I really just have no patience for that type of bullshit.

    Anyway. Things have been crazy. Hopefully they’ll be swinging up into the positive spectrum for me for the summer. I hate the heat, but at least make my time pleasant, Universe.

  • Daily,  Music


    Life has been crazy. I spent the majority of February working 12 hour shifts, both at the clinic and in the hospital, so of course I got sick. The latter half of February up until about three days ago I have just been an absolute mess. Apparently there has been a pretty nasty flu going around, but it didn’t feel like an influenza, so who knows. Aside from being ill in that regard, my health has been a bit in the toilet regardless. I was diagnosed two weeks ago with hypertension. Which caught me off guard because I didn’t feel any different than I normally do, but I guess that’s why they call it the silent killer, right? You don’t feel bad until it’s gone bad and turned into cardiac failure or arrest.

    Today is my first actual day on my medication. My doctor wanted an additional two weeks of pressure readings before she started me on anything. So far so good, I guess. The pharmacist said I might feel dizzy initially, but I haven’t yet, so that’s good. I have to get a bunch of blood work done and have an ECG done as well. Depending on the results of those, the doctor said she is going to send me for an echocardiogram, which I really hope I don’t have to do that. The tech that does them here isn’t a very pleasant guy and travelling is a bit out of the question.

    Needless to say, I have been served, and I really have no one to blame for my health but myself. I’ve been making goals for years regarding my health, but I don’t stick to them and continue eating like crap and this is what happens. I keep making attempts to go plant-based, and I either don’t go through with it or I fail because I let myself be weak and get sucked in by the carnivores around me.

    No more. I’m in the process of making a game plan of what I’m going to do… the big component of that is getting off of my fat ass and moving around. Last night I fell into my pattern of watching Netflix in bed and I got so pissed at myself that I got up and cleaned the downstairs bathroom for some movement. Still too snowy and icy to go out and walk around outside, but with things on the upswing, I will probably be able to do it soon. Mom is always wanting to go out and walk, so I think I can convince her to join me. Cleaning in the meantime will be a good substitute because I actually did break out a little bit of a sweat. I also have a truckload of exercise videos to use… once I have the last bit of things put away and organized in my new room, I should have enough room to exercise there too.

    It’s going to be an ongoing thing. My doctor told me not to get sucked into the quick weight loss, fad diet nonsense… she said sustainable lifestyle changes will be key. Which I believe, but I just need to kick my own ass and keep myself accountable.

    I’ve had this song stuck in my head for the last week or so. It’s my new jam, so enjoy: