• Daily,  Music,  Work Related

    651.

    So… I just typed up a giant post about what’s been going on in my stressful last few months that I touched on in my previous post, but I decided last minute to scrap it. I don’t need to rehash the nonsense and get my adrenaline spiking again.

    TL;DR version of the last few months: My boss was offered a position in a clinic 14 hours north of here, and she was going back and forth on whether or not to take it. She decided that she was going to take it, and the clinic would be closing in January 2020. Originally what was proposed was for me to go with, then it changed to I would show up 6 months later, then it changed to I wasn’t going at all and I would receive a decent severance. Lots of panic, stress, and hair falling out on my part because I don’t have much in the way of opportunities here for full-time work locally, and none of the other clinics would match my hospital wage. So after much deliberation and freaking the fuck out, I started making plans to relocate to Kamloops, as the hospital in Kamloops is always in need of people (especially now that they’re expanding). My boss went up north for a 3-week locum period, decided that she hated it, and decided she was not going to leave.

    My stress levels are still a bit on the fritz, my hair is still kind of falling out a bit, but it’s back to business as usual. Which is good for me, because the very thought of relocating to Kamloops makes my skin crawl (my daughter’s father and his new family live there and the idea of running into them makes my head want to pop off of my neck and roll into the void), but it’s bad because now I’m wary. Like… really wary of this happening again, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

    I’m hoping that will change with time, but who knows.

    I’ve decided that my goal for 2020 is to finally take the plunge and get my drivers license. I have put it off for such a long time, and it’s gotten to the point now where I just need to get over my anxiety of it and just fucking do it. If I can get a small beater car to learn on, that would be ideal. I need to speak to the driving school up the road from my office to see when the next classes start. My mom is pretty supportive, and she’s agreed to help me out with insurance and all that, so I’m feeling pretty positive about it.

    I kind of feel like I am in an “in-between” space in my life right now. Like I have left something behind and I’m about to embark on something or make a pivotal choice. Needless to say, the holidays are going to be full of doing shadow work and lots and lots of tarot and listening to female rappers on the regular. I’ve been listening to a lot of these beautiful ladies, and they inspire me a good deal.

    Till the next one. I have the Deipnon, Noumenia, and Samhain in the same week. There is much baking and crafting to be had.

  • Music,  Rants,  Work Related

    618.

    You ever have one of those moments where you just want to… power down? I am so burnt out from sensory overload. Life in general, I think. Things seem to pile on all at once and I just… get so tired.

    My daughter is being bullied at school. The worst of it is that the girl that it hurting my daughter is her friend. The day before yesterday things came to a head during their end of the year fun day, because this girl punched Emilie in the eye after Emilie said that she wanted to be alone. I’m having a bit of a crisis over it, because my first instinct is to just… rip into everyone involved. I have been quite riled up about the entire thing, as Emilie’s teacher didn’t contact me at all and left a rather snide voicemail message on my parents’ voicemail right at the end of the day while Emilie was on her bus ride home. She said that she “didn’t have time” to call before that, when the incident occurred in the morning. I heard that and my head almost spun off. She “didn’t have time.” Are you fucking kidding me? There was time to reprimand the girl, contact her parents, and send her home for the day, but there was no time to call me and let me know that my child had just been punched in the face? Well, fuck right off. I sent an email to the principal right away, and his response was simply that there was nothing that they could do because Emilie keeps trying to befriend this girl, and “kids will be kids.” Excuses and deflection, the entire message. It was a quite upsetting read, because it conveyed clearly that the bullying policies have not changed in the 20 years since I was in elementary school. Shield the bully, shun the victim. He even had the audacity to make a plea for sympathy because he’s “working long hours to stay organized.” Pish posh, fuck right off. Being busy doesn’t negate the fact that he is responsible for the safety of my child while she is attending his school. Grow a spine, for Lilith’s sake.

    I’m going to be bringing it to the attention of the school board, because there just seems to be no accountability. If Emilie’s teacher had reached out and said to me “This is what happened, this was the immediate result and this is what is going to be done going forward,” I probably would feel much different than I do now. Of course, this isn’t what happened, because the woman is daft and has demonstrated that she is completely incapable of taking leadership and ownership in anything. Not to mention she outright lied, because she told the principal that she called me before the recess break and left me a message. Which she didn’t, and I have call logs that back that up. My phone is a pretty sophisticated device – it alerts me to everything, whether I want it to or not. The first and only contact was at 2:04 PM, when she left my parents that message. She didn’t try to call them before that, either. She had no problem calling me when she thought Emilie had vomited, so I don’t understand why there was an issue in this instance.

    The entire think makes my head hurt and I am so sick and tired of it.

    There’s also a lot of work things that are going on that I am not allowed to speak about publicly yet, which kills. I’m having serious anxiety about it and if I wasn’t already half-bald, I would be fully bald. I am dealing, though. I think I have a plan of what I want to do if things happen the way that they seem to be… scary changes on the horizon.

    I have been listening to a lot of Prada West to cope… I am also working on some witch projects, which I will blog more about when I have a better idea of what I am doing.

    Current ear worm:

  • Daily,  Music

    564.

    Life has been crazy. I spent the majority of February working 12 hour shifts, both at the clinic and in the hospital, so of course I got sick. The latter half of February up until about three days ago I have just been an absolute mess. Apparently there has been a pretty nasty flu going around, but it didn’t feel like an influenza, so who knows. Aside from being ill in that regard, my health has been a bit in the toilet regardless. I was diagnosed two weeks ago with hypertension. Which caught me off guard because I didn’t feel any different than I normally do, but I guess that’s why they call it the silent killer, right? You don’t feel bad until it’s gone bad and turned into cardiac failure or arrest.

    Today is my first actual day on my medication. My doctor wanted an additional two weeks of pressure readings before she started me on anything. So far so good, I guess. The pharmacist said I might feel dizzy initially, but I haven’t yet, so that’s good. I have to get a bunch of blood work done and have an ECG done as well. Depending on the results of those, the doctor said she is going to send me for an echocardiogram, which I really hope I don’t have to do that. The tech that does them here isn’t a very pleasant guy and travelling is a bit out of the question.

    Needless to say, I have been served, and I really have no one to blame for my health but myself. I’ve been making goals for years regarding my health, but I don’t stick to them and continue eating like crap and this is what happens. I keep making attempts to go plant-based, and I either don’t go through with it or I fail because I let myself be weak and get sucked in by the carnivores around me.

    No more. I’m in the process of making a game plan of what I’m going to do… the big component of that is getting off of my fat ass and moving around. Last night I fell into my pattern of watching Netflix in bed and I got so pissed at myself that I got up and cleaned the downstairs bathroom for some movement. Still too snowy and icy to go out and walk around outside, but with things on the upswing, I will probably be able to do it soon. Mom is always wanting to go out and walk, so I think I can convince her to join me. Cleaning in the meantime will be a good substitute because I actually did break out a little bit of a sweat. I also have a truckload of exercise videos to use… once I have the last bit of things put away and organized in my new room, I should have enough room to exercise there too.

    It’s going to be an ongoing thing. My doctor told me not to get sucked into the quick weight loss, fad diet nonsense… she said sustainable lifestyle changes will be key. Which I believe, but I just need to kick my own ass and keep myself accountable.

    I’ve had this song stuck in my head for the last week or so. It’s my new jam, so enjoy: