So, I found out last night that my Aunt Betty died.

All I can really say is that “devastated” can’t even begin to cover it. It was completely out of the blue and I am still in a bit of shock. According to my cousin, she was found unresponsive in her home by a friend, and the EMS crew that arrived were unable to revive her. She was transported to Nanaimo, and the autopsy is supposed to be done either today or tomorrow. I’ve been told that it’s just a waiting game now, and hopefully, there will be some answers after the inquiry has concluded.

My cousin mentioned that my aunt was very depressed, and wasn’t being honest about it. She was taking some pretty heavy duty anti-depressives and just didn’t tell anyone. Hearing that made me very sad and I am beginning to get this feeling that maybe that had something to do with it. Her depression, I mean. Suicide is not something that I like to think about, but if she was as depressed as my cousin indicated, perhaps that might be a possibility.

I am having a difficult time putting words to what I’m feeling. I’m sad, I’m numb, I’m angry, I feel cheated. It’s coming in waves and I really just… I don’t know. Grief is hard for me. I feel angry at myself, mostly… I didn’t know my aunt that well and I wish I had. She and I had spoken on the phone a couple of times since Emilie was born, and we exchanged a few letters, but that was all of our communication in the last few years. To be honest, I am not that close at all with my paternal side of the family. My uncle cut ties with everyone, and my cousins are several hours away and have their own busy lives… if it weren’t for Facebook, I probably would know nothing about them at all.

It’s a shame, and I’m sad. Tonight I feel like I might anoint a candle and meditate and just… let myself feel. Grief is hard for me. Having to keep my strong face on all the time is so exhausting. It doesn’t allow me to have the break down I need every so often, but keeping with my resolutions, I’m going to say “fuck it” and let it happen.

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TGIF x ∞ + 1

I am… so happy that it is Friday, you have no idea. I just have to make it through the next… 6 hours, and I can go home.

I had a bad night last night, to say the least. Two of my bettas, Mephisto and Albert, went belly up and I am so devastated. I don’t know why and I don’t know how… I didn’t deviate from my usual cleaning procedures and none of my products are expired or old. I didn’t have Mephisto for more than two months, and Albert was maybe 2 years old? I don’t get it. Gorgoroth and Leviathan are both okay, so I don’t know.

Heartbreaking, to say the least.

Life has been… interesting as of late. We’re in the midst of a Snowpocalypse (I will share photos when I can get them off of my camera), it’s supposed to drop back down into the -20s this weekend, and as far as I know, we’re still under an extreme winter weather alert of some sort. I also seem to be sick, again, for the billionth time. I had Norovirus last month, immediately followed by this cold that I just cannot shake. It comes and goes, so I don’t know if it’s the same virus or if it’s some bug that’s holding on in my nasopharynx for dear life. My doctor was certain that it’s viral, she said I just have to increase my fluids, etc, and that should take care of it but it’s been two and some months now? Pain in my ass.

And speaking of pain in my ass, I had a huge fall last Monday that caused literal pain in my ass. If it weren’t indecent, I would share a picture of the giant black shiner I got. My hip has been so sore ever since, but I can put weight on my right leg now, so I guess I can say that I’m getting better. I was walking downtown, running some quick errands for the office, and I slipped all the way down 1st avenue, went through the snowbank and landed on my backside. The second time, I was coming out of the bank. The third time, I fell just outside of Shoppers Drug Mart, and the fourth and final time was going up the hill towards my office. My right hip was swollen and black/blue, and I tweaked my left knee. Right now I just feel heavy and sore. All the snow we’ve been having fell on top of black ice, which is where the problem was, I guess. My shoes being worn out didn’t help either.

I’m a hot mess and borderline absolutely pathetic, I swear. One of my co-worker’s made the joke about taking me to the vet and having me put down. I almost said yes.

I have absolutely no motivation today. I should be doing some work, but I really just can’t be bothered. I’m listening to Korn and nursing my espresso instead. Six hours. 🙁

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