• Daily

    818.

    I have started, re-started and then deleted only to re-start again, on this post I don’t know how many times now. The last few months have been pretty crazy – they’re still a bit crazy for my liking – but they are starting to settle down and I am trying to get myself into a bit of a routine.

    I moved into my own apartment at the end of November. It’s been a bit of journey with that. I am still in the process of unpacking and I don’t have all of my things from my parents’ home as of yet, but it is still a work-in-progress. I managed to get all of my books brought over, which was the most important thing to me. I lost two bookcases in the move, one to poor construction (I bought these cases off of my sister and apparently she doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground) and the other due to water damage. All that’s left to move are my art supplies, a couple pieces of furniture, and some random bric a brac that I really don’t know where I’m going to put. Mom said I could keep it at the house for as long as I needed, which was a big relief. I’m going to try and get all of my other unpacking done and get the rest. Hopefully the weather will be better by then and we can just get the rest in one swoop and be done with it. I hate moving. It is a bane in my life and I am hoping and praying that this will be the last time that I have to do it for the next couple of years.

    The apartment itself is pretty awesome. My building is pretty quiet, the neighbours that I have met so far (except for two) have been pretty great. I have in-house free laundry facilities, cable/internet is included with my rent for a small fee… pretty much the only thing that isn’t included in my rent is my electricity, which hasn’t been too bad so far. Still have to run behind the kids and remind them to turn lights off, and use mostly natural light during the day, but I can’t complain.

    January is always a “hump” month for me. There is always holiday fall out, and this year with moving and trying to get my life together in my new space and everything that goes along with that, plus working double-shifts between the clinic and the hospital… it really has been a hump month this year. Christmas was an absolute disaster, and because of family disagreements, I ended up with the task of making dinner. My Google search items now include “how to cook an 18 lb turkey,” and I am happy to say that it both turned out exceptionally well and I didn’t give a single person food poisoning. New Years was spent watching Netflix on the couch. I thought about going out, but being the tired old fart that I am and the whole… not wanting to be around people… thing that I have, Netflix seemed like the best option. Since New Years, it’s just been about finding balance. My life seems to be 80% work right now, and everything else seems to be suffering, but thankfully this week will be my last week of double-shifts and then my life will go back to a normal balance. Just in time too, because February is my birthday month and I really don’t want to spend my newly 32 at the hospital, where it seems like the life just gets sucked out of me.

    Turning 32 has put me in a weird… contemplative sort-of mood. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do, and with it also being a new decade, it seems appropriate to just kind of… step back and evaluate where my life is at and where I want it to go. My mental health has always been a sore point for me, and as a result of my own lapses and failures in seeking help when I needed it, I have developed this nasty habit of sabotaging myself. Like, “oh my dad was mean to me, so I’m going to eat an entire bucket of chicken” kind of sabotage. Really thinking about it… no wonder I had a heart attack, and really the only person I have to blame is myself. I knew better, I know better, and I still allowed myself to push my better judgement to the side and go for the sabotage. Because it’s really so easy, isn’t it? It’s just such an easy trap to fall back into. It’s been my pattern for the last few years, and I think my goal for this year is to break those bad habits. It’s going to be a lot of struggle, but I think the journey will be worth it, if I can come out on the other side as a healthier, more balanced individual.

    One of the aspects of my contemplation is what I want to do with this blog. I haven’t been good with updating, I haven’t been good with keeping it up… and honestly, that makes me a bit sad because blogging has been a big part of my life since I was really young and I’ve always had it as an outlet to fall back on. In order to return to that, I have decided that I’m going to be changing up things around here and try to get myself more active. Hopefully it works. If it doesn’t, it might be time to shut the doors. Who knows. We’ll have to see.

    I hope you’re all doing well! Welcome 2020.

  • Daily,  Music,  Work Related

    651.

    So… I just typed up a giant post about what’s been going on in my stressful last few months that I touched on in my previous post, but I decided last minute to scrap it. I don’t need to rehash the nonsense and get my adrenaline spiking again.

    TL;DR version of the last few months: My boss was offered a position in a clinic 14 hours north of here, and she was going back and forth on whether or not to take it. She decided that she was going to take it, and the clinic would be closing in January 2020. Originally what was proposed was for me to go with, then it changed to I would show up 6 months later, then it changed to I wasn’t going at all and I would receive a decent severance. Lots of panic, stress, and hair falling out on my part because I don’t have much in the way of opportunities here for full-time work locally, and none of the other clinics would match my hospital wage. So after much deliberation and freaking the fuck out, I started making plans to relocate to Kamloops, as the hospital in Kamloops is always in need of people (especially now that they’re expanding). My boss went up north for a 3-week locum period, decided that she hated it, and decided she was not going to leave.

    My stress levels are still a bit on the fritz, my hair is still kind of falling out a bit, but it’s back to business as usual. Which is good for me, because the very thought of relocating to Kamloops makes my skin crawl (my daughter’s father and his new family live there and the idea of running into them makes my head want to pop off of my neck and roll into the void), but it’s bad because now I’m wary. Like… really wary of this happening again, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

    I’m hoping that will change with time, but who knows.

    I’ve decided that my goal for 2020 is to finally take the plunge and get my drivers license. I have put it off for such a long time, and it’s gotten to the point now where I just need to get over my anxiety of it and just fucking do it. If I can get a small beater car to learn on, that would be ideal. I need to speak to the driving school up the road from my office to see when the next classes start. My mom is pretty supportive, and she’s agreed to help me out with insurance and all that, so I’m feeling pretty positive about it.

    I kind of feel like I am in an “in-between” space in my life right now. Like I have left something behind and I’m about to embark on something or make a pivotal choice. Needless to say, the holidays are going to be full of doing shadow work and lots and lots of tarot and listening to female rappers on the regular. I’ve been listening to a lot of these beautiful ladies, and they inspire me a good deal.

    Till the next one. I have the Deipnon, Noumenia, and Samhain in the same week. There is much baking and crafting to be had.

  • Music,  Rants,  Work Related

    618.

    You ever have one of those moments where you just want to… power down? I am so burnt out from sensory overload. Life in general, I think. Things seem to pile on all at once and I just… get so tired.

    My daughter is being bullied at school. The worst of it is that the girl that it hurting my daughter is her friend. The day before yesterday things came to a head during their end of the year fun day, because this girl punched Emilie in the eye after Emilie said that she wanted to be alone. I’m having a bit of a crisis over it, because my first instinct is to just… rip into everyone involved. I have been quite riled up about the entire thing, as Emilie’s teacher didn’t contact me at all and left a rather snide voicemail message on my parents’ voicemail right at the end of the day while Emilie was on her bus ride home. She said that she “didn’t have time” to call before that, when the incident occurred in the morning. I heard that and my head almost spun off. She “didn’t have time.” Are you fucking kidding me? There was time to reprimand the girl, contact her parents, and send her home for the day, but there was no time to call me and let me know that my child had just been punched in the face? Well, fuck right off. I sent an email to the principal right away, and his response was simply that there was nothing that they could do because Emilie keeps trying to befriend this girl, and “kids will be kids.” Excuses and deflection, the entire message. It was a quite upsetting read, because it conveyed clearly that the bullying policies have not changed in the 20 years since I was in elementary school. Shield the bully, shun the victim. He even had the audacity to make a plea for sympathy because he’s “working long hours to stay organized.” Pish posh, fuck right off. Being busy doesn’t negate the fact that he is responsible for the safety of my child while she is attending his school. Grow a spine, for Lilith’s sake.

    I’m going to be bringing it to the attention of the school board, because there just seems to be no accountability. If Emilie’s teacher had reached out and said to me “This is what happened, this was the immediate result and this is what is going to be done going forward,” I probably would feel much different than I do now. Of course, this isn’t what happened, because the woman is daft and has demonstrated that she is completely incapable of taking leadership and ownership in anything. Not to mention she outright lied, because she told the principal that she called me before the recess break and left me a message. Which she didn’t, and I have call logs that back that up. My phone is a pretty sophisticated device – it alerts me to everything, whether I want it to or not. The first and only contact was at 2:04 PM, when she left my parents that message. She didn’t try to call them before that, either. She had no problem calling me when she thought Emilie had vomited, so I don’t understand why there was an issue in this instance.

    The entire think makes my head hurt and I am so sick and tired of it.

    There’s also a lot of work things that are going on that I am not allowed to speak about publicly yet, which kills. I’m having serious anxiety about it and if I wasn’t already half-bald, I would be fully bald. I am dealing, though. I think I have a plan of what I want to do if things happen the way that they seem to be… scary changes on the horizon.

    I have been listening to a lot of Prada West to cope… I am also working on some witch projects, which I will blog more about when I have a better idea of what I am doing.

    Current ear worm: