• Music,  Rants,  Work Related

    618.

    You ever have one of those moments where you just want to… power down? I am so burnt out from sensory overload. Life in general, I think. Things seem to pile on all at once and I just… get so tired.

    My daughter is being bullied at school. The worst of it is that the girl that it hurting my daughter is her friend. The day before yesterday things came to a head during their end of the year fun day, because this girl punched Emilie in the eye after Emilie said that she wanted to be alone. I’m having a bit of a crisis over it, because my first instinct is to just… rip into everyone involved. I have been quite riled up about the entire thing, as Emilie’s teacher didn’t contact me at all and left a rather snide voicemail message on my parents’ voicemail right at the end of the day while Emilie was on her bus ride home. She said that she “didn’t have time” to call before that, when the incident occurred in the morning. I heard that and my head almost spun off. She “didn’t have time.” Are you fucking kidding me? There was time to reprimand the girl, contact her parents, and send her home for the day, but there was no time to call me and let me know that my child had just been punched in the face? Well, fuck right off. I sent an email to the principal right away, and his response was simply that there was nothing that they could do because Emilie keeps trying to befriend this girl, and “kids will be kids.” Excuses and deflection, the entire message. It was a quite upsetting read, because it conveyed clearly that the bullying policies have not changed in the 20 years since I was in elementary school. Shield the bully, shun the victim. He even had the audacity to make a plea for sympathy because he’s “working long hours to stay organized.” Pish posh, fuck right off. Being busy doesn’t negate the fact that he is responsible for the safety of my child while she is attending his school. Grow a spine, for Lilith’s sake.

    I’m going to be bringing it to the attention of the school board, because there just seems to be no accountability. If Emilie’s teacher had reached out and said to me “This is what happened, this was the immediate result and this is what is going to be done going forward,” I probably would feel much different than I do now. Of course, this isn’t what happened, because the woman is daft and has demonstrated that she is completely incapable of taking leadership and ownership in anything. Not to mention she outright lied, because she told the principal that she called me before the recess break and left me a message. Which she didn’t, and I have call logs that back that up. My phone is a pretty sophisticated device – it alerts me to everything, whether I want it to or not. The first and only contact was at 2:04 PM, when she left my parents that message. She didn’t try to call them before that, either. She had no problem calling me when she thought Emilie had vomited, so I don’t understand why there was an issue in this instance.

    The entire think makes my head hurt and I am so sick and tired of it.

    There’s also a lot of work things that are going on that I am not allowed to speak about publicly yet, which kills. I’m having serious anxiety about it and if I wasn’t already half-bald, I would be fully bald. I am dealing, though. I think I have a plan of what I want to do if things happen the way that they seem to be… scary changes on the horizon.

    I have been listening to a lot of Prada West to cope… I am also working on some witch projects, which I will blog more about when I have a better idea of what I am doing.

    Current ear worm:

  • Daily

    583.

    I had planned on this post being a review of the new Whitechapel album, “The Valley,” but seeing as how it took Metal Blade like… three weeks to ship my order after my payment went through and was confirmed, and for some reason, Canada Post attempted to deliver it to a community four hours north of me, that post is going to have to be put on hold. Next time I’m just going to buy from Amazon. At least Canada Post was pretty good with re-routing the delivery and they didn’t give me too much shit. Canada Post has a tendency to be difficult, especially when they’re covering their own butts. I would do it off just listening to the album on Spotify, but I want the physical thing in my hands first. Call me old fashioned, but I have a method. LOL.

    Anyhow. Dealing with all of this health nonsense is super draining. I had my ECG done, and my doctor said that the wave abnormalities it showed were only seen in patients who have suffered and survived massive heart attacks. She doesn’t think I actually had one, because my blood work doesn’t reflect that, but there isn’t really any other explanation as to why those abnormalities are there. She referred me to see an internist, who was lovely. He didn’t think I had a heart attack either, but he wanted me to document my blood pressure for a few weeks and go for another ECG. That ECG came back with the same abnormality, so he thinks that it’s just my normal. His advice was essentially to keep taking my blood pressure medication, keep checking my blood pressure regularly and keep trying to lose weight. He also thinks it’s related to sleep apnea, so I had to do an overnight oximetry test, which came back suggestive for “sleep disordered breathing.” I was going to proceed to doing the CPAP trial, but they wanted $200 up front, and then if the trial was successful, they wanted another $1700 for the machine and I was like “Yeah… nope.” I don’t have extended health at the moment, Pharmacare doesn’t cover that and I just don’t have that amount of money kicking around. It’s bad enough I have to fork over $600 for my new glasses, which is just… bullshit, if you ask me. I had to take a bunch of shifts at the hospital to cover it, which just ground my gears because I get so tired after working at the hospital. I don’t know if it’s the air, or it’s the fact that I sit there for 11 hours with very minimal amount of work to do and it feels like my will to live is leaving my body. Who knows.

    Looking into obtaining some extended health, though. Hate dealing with that, let me tell you. How am I supposed to remember when I was first diagnosed with depression? It was in 2005 sometime, that’s all I know. Bunch of bullshit questions. At least the eating healthy is going well (for the most part).

    I’m in dire need of a weekend away. I’m planning a trip to possibly either Kamloops or Quesnel sometime in June. As long as we’re not on fire, I think it’ll be great. Though fire season seems to have started early this year, I am not going to let it deter me. Or the possibility of running into Emilie’s father if I decide to go to Kamloops (just have to be mindful). A nice weekend away would be just… so ideal. I didn’t get to take any holiday while my boss was in the Dominican, and I’ve been working at the hospital for the last few long weekends. Either that or I’ve been sick. Thankfully, David will be going with me. It’d be nice to spend some “us” time, and at least he is able to appreciate my love of books. I have no fear of him following me around Chapters and asking asshole questions, like: Do you really need that many books? Are you seriously going to read all of those? Why do you need so many? Haven’t you read that book already? Why don’t you just watch the movie? Et cetera, et cetera. The last trip I made to Chapters was with my ex-boyfriend Kyle, and he was relentless with that bullshit. I promised the next person who did that to me would be lit on fire and left in a dumpster out back, because I really just have no patience for that type of bullshit.

    Anyway. Things have been crazy. Hopefully they’ll be swinging up into the positive spectrum for me for the summer. I hate the heat, but at least make my time pleasant, Universe.

  • Daily,  Music

    564.

    Life has been crazy. I spent the majority of February working 12 hour shifts, both at the clinic and in the hospital, so of course I got sick. The latter half of February up until about three days ago I have just been an absolute mess. Apparently there has been a pretty nasty flu going around, but it didn’t feel like an influenza, so who knows. Aside from being ill in that regard, my health has been a bit in the toilet regardless. I was diagnosed two weeks ago with hypertension. Which caught me off guard because I didn’t feel any different than I normally do, but I guess that’s why they call it the silent killer, right? You don’t feel bad until it’s gone bad and turned into cardiac failure or arrest.

    Today is my first actual day on my medication. My doctor wanted an additional two weeks of pressure readings before she started me on anything. So far so good, I guess. The pharmacist said I might feel dizzy initially, but I haven’t yet, so that’s good. I have to get a bunch of blood work done and have an ECG done as well. Depending on the results of those, the doctor said she is going to send me for an echocardiogram, which I really hope I don’t have to do that. The tech that does them here isn’t a very pleasant guy and travelling is a bit out of the question.

    Needless to say, I have been served, and I really have no one to blame for my health but myself. I’ve been making goals for years regarding my health, but I don’t stick to them and continue eating like crap and this is what happens. I keep making attempts to go plant-based, and I either don’t go through with it or I fail because I let myself be weak and get sucked in by the carnivores around me.

    No more. I’m in the process of making a game plan of what I’m going to do… the big component of that is getting off of my fat ass and moving around. Last night I fell into my pattern of watching Netflix in bed and I got so pissed at myself that I got up and cleaned the downstairs bathroom for some movement. Still too snowy and icy to go out and walk around outside, but with things on the upswing, I will probably be able to do it soon. Mom is always wanting to go out and walk, so I think I can convince her to join me. Cleaning in the meantime will be a good substitute because I actually did break out a little bit of a sweat. I also have a truckload of exercise videos to use… once I have the last bit of things put away and organized in my new room, I should have enough room to exercise there too.

    It’s going to be an ongoing thing. My doctor told me not to get sucked into the quick weight loss, fad diet nonsense… she said sustainable lifestyle changes will be key. Which I believe, but I just need to kick my own ass and keep myself accountable.

    I’ve had this song stuck in my head for the last week or so. It’s my new jam, so enjoy: