Nostalgic jam for this morning:

By the beard of Zeus, this place is in dire need of an overhaul. I need to clear up the cobwebs and get some actual content going on.

Time is the killer though, right? I never seem to have enough of it.

I spent this past weekend reading and resting in bed. I got my new Bride of Frankenstein tattoo started on Saturday. Danarae only managed to get the outline done, as the muscle in my calf kept twitching and seizing. I was rather disappointed, but I have another session in a few weeks and if I have to do it in small pieces… I guess that is the way we’ll have to do it. I posted a picture of it on Facebook and Instagram, but it wasn’t a good one and I am going to wait until the redness and the swelling goes down to post a good one here. Danarae has done a wicked job so far… my skin is just so angry.

This week is going to be busy. My plan is to get my bedroom completely done so that I can begin the monumental task of going through and cleaning up my bookshelves. I currently have eight bookshelves in my room that are double stacked and I need to make room for more. Get rid of what I am never going to read and the books that I read and didn’t care for. I also have my nails/facial appointment this Saturday. My skin has been absolute shit since I stopped taking my birth control (I kept forgetting to take it and it just seemed pointless when my sex life has tumbleweeds rolling through it) so I’m going to have Jody take a look and work her magic. Hopefully, I will have everything done before then so that I can just take the Saturday and relax before the maelstrom begins next week. My taxes are done and filed, so I can cross that off of the list of ‘to-do,’ which is a big relief. I was actually early this year, LOL. I hate taxes. My refund was pretty decent though, so I’m going to be able to afford to get a nice, new bed if things work out. Get rid of my old gross mattress and get relief for my back pain all in one go.

How does Ricky on the Trailer Park Boys say it? ‘Get two birds stoned at once.’

Anyway, off to Starbucks with me. Just wanted to make a quick post to say that I’m still here.

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Fluface. Forgive the lack of posting. I have spent the last few weeks in the grips of the dreaded influenza B, and I finally seem to be on the mend. I still have some fatigue and the occasional cough, but I’m functional, and I am not burning up like Human Torch from Fantastic Four. This virus just does not seem to want to let go and it’s been awful dealing with this, because there is not much that can be done except for fluid overload and symptomatic management, which is difficult, because of the fact that every cough/flu medication on the market either increases or blocks the effects of my antidepressants. Symptomatic management VS major depression, increased anxiety, the possibility of serotonin toxicity, or increased bleeding risk? No thank you. I’ll take the fever.

I’m just glad that I’m getting better. Everyone around me seems to be getting a rebound of it, and I am… so glad that I am not. Wearing a stupid mask for the week that I did was difficult enough.

So, last month I turned the big 3-0. I spent the last few days of my 20s struggling to breathe and suffering myalgia and I spent my actual birthday at work. My RN that night went out and bought me a vegan cupcake and some flowers because she’s amazing like that, but that was pretty much my whole celebration. Next year I am planning to take a trip, possibly to Amsterdam to visit the Anne Frank House, so hopefully, that will make up for my lack of birthday shenanigans this year.

To update my previous post… my aunt’s autopsy results came back. According to the coroner, she had a massive stroke. I am relieved (in a way) that it wasn’t harm to herself, but at the same time… that’s another person in my family who has succumb to some kind of cardiovascular disease and it’s got the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. It makes me consider my own mortality, which is never a pleasing thought, and since I am already borderline hypertensive… I am looking into changing my lifestyle.

More about that later.

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So, I found out last night that my Aunt Betty died.

All I can really say is that “devastated” can’t even begin to cover it. It was completely out of the blue and I am still in a bit of shock. According to my cousin, she was found unresponsive in her home by a friend, and the EMS crew that arrived were unable to revive her. She was transported to Nanaimo, and the autopsy is supposed to be done either today or tomorrow. I’ve been told that it’s just a waiting game now, and hopefully, there will be some answers after the inquiry has concluded.

My cousin mentioned that my aunt was very depressed, and wasn’t being honest about it. She was taking some pretty heavy duty anti-depressives and just didn’t tell anyone. Hearing that made me very sad and I am beginning to get this feeling that maybe that had something to do with it. Her depression, I mean. Suicide is not something that I like to think about, but if she was as depressed as my cousin indicated, perhaps that might be a possibility.

I am having a difficult time putting words to what I’m feeling. I’m sad, I’m numb, I’m angry, I feel cheated. It’s coming in waves and I really just… I don’t know. Grief is hard for me. I feel angry at myself, mostly… I didn’t know my aunt that well and I wish I had. She and I had spoken on the phone a couple of times since Emilie was born, and we exchanged a few letters, but that was all of our communication in the last few years. To be honest, I am not that close at all with my paternal side of the family. My uncle cut ties with everyone, and my cousins are several hours away and have their own busy lives… if it weren’t for Facebook, I probably would know nothing about them at all.

It’s a shame, and I’m sad. Tonight I feel like I might anoint a candle and meditate and just… let myself feel. Grief is hard for me. Having to keep my strong face on all the time is so exhausting. It doesn’t allow me to have the break down I need every so often, but keeping with my resolutions, I’m going to say “fuck it” and let it happen.

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