Tuesday, April 11, 2023
005.
Life, especially in the last few years, has funny ways of working out. The last three years have been exceptionally difficult for me, first with COVID/the pandemic, then the acquittal of my pedophilic ex-partner, and then the death of my mother. It was really hard to navigate through all of that with a level head, and if it weren’t for all of the therapy and CBT classes and focusing heavily on reclaiming my own sovereignty, I don’t think I would have managed it.
But with the way things work out, 2023 so far has been wonderful. I am currently working through my financial issues, and hopefully the issues with the CRA will be solved by the end of this month. I am currently with a man who sees me, who gets me, and loves me unconditionally. And now… we have a baby on the way.
It was quite unexpected, and a very, very welcome surprise. I never thought I would have another baby. After my daughter, I was never in the position or with a partner that I wanted to make that leap with and my Charlie is… a phenomenal person, an absolute gift. He’s going to be an amazing father.
I am still waiting on a call from the hospital to go for my first ultrasound, for dating and viability. My boss estimated that I’m about 6 weeks, 4 days, if the dates are accurate. I’m a bit anxious to get my appointment… I know these things take time but I’m impatient. I never got to enjoy my first pregnancy, let alone experience the milestones that go along with it, so I’m really excited. Thankfully, I haven’t had any morning sickness. I’ve been quite fatigued, I have been having frequent headaches, and my body has been sore (especially the boobs - yikes). But no morning sickness! I can handle everything except that.
My doctor was too booked up, so one of the other doctors in the clinic was nice enough to speak with me. He’s referred me to the perinatal psychiatry unit at BC Women’s Hospital, just to monitor me with my medications, as well as he referred me to a maternity doctor. Not many doctors in my community do maternity care, so if I wasn’t able to get in with someone, I was making plans to self-refer to the midwives. I doubt I’ll hear back from any of these referrals until my ultrasound is done.
My family seemed to take the news well. Emilie was ecstatic. My dad… it was hard to tell, but with him, it always is. I think he was happy, though he was concerned that my Charlie was going to do what Emilie’s father did. My siblings kind of… just stared at first, but once it sunk in, they were both happy for me. Charlie’s mom was apparently over the moon. I wasn’t there when he told her, but he told me that she cried. Which… if I had been there, I likely would have started to cry too.
My only sadness about this entire situation is that this child will never know my mom, and my mom will never know them. It was heartbreaking when that realization hit me. My mom was such an amazing grandma. I know she would have been happy. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have been able to cope without her help in the first years I had my Emilie, and I was beyond fortunate that she was there for help and guidance. I’m just going to have to make sure that this baby know their grandma through me, through photos and stories and our traditions. I really need to work on getting my scrapbooks together - maybe that can be part of my nesting.
