February flew by and I think I missed it. Now the first half of this month is missing too! LOL.
I think the expression is “time flies when you’re having fun.” That doesn’t necessarily apply in my case, as I’m not having much fun these days but time flies nonetheless. With the rollout of the provincial vaccine schedule, it’s been non-stop at work, and with my boss working emergency and pediatrics in addition to the general practice, it’s just another seven layers on top of what I normally deal with. Not to complain too much, I am grateful to even still have a job, but man… go, go, go, all the time. There are some days where I am on the phone from the time I sit down to the time that I get up and I get sick of listening to myself talk. I get so sick of my own voice.
Aside from work, I haven’t been up to much. Just reading and trying (and failing) to declutter my apartment. Valentine’s Day was quiet, I spent my birthday in Kamloops (a dropped a small fortune in The Body Shop – don’t come for me), and I finally got an appointment for my EMG. Hopefully I will be making an appointment soon for my wrist injections. My De Quervain’s syndrome has been putting me through the gigs for the last few months, and even though my physio is going well and I’m going semi-regularly, the pain is… constant, and not something that I’m used to dealing with. Things I used to do with ease, now I can’t do. Like… open jars, pick up grocery bags, lift boxes, or write with a ballpoint pen. My physiotherapist tells me that it’s an injury of overuse, but I don’t know how that could apply in my case because I haven’t done anything different in the last few months that I wasn’t already doing prior. So… it’s a little fucked up. My doctor wants to make sure that we “maximize non-surgical” options, so I’ve been splinting at night and now I’m going for the EMG and the injections. If this doesn’t work, I’ll have to be referred to the hand specialist for surgery. Which… not really looking forward to that if it happens but if it prevents me from amputating my own arm, it’s got to be a plus, right?
The other issues that I’ve been dealing with… it’s a day-to-day process and I’m chugging along, doing the best that I can. Honestly, the best thing that’s happened to me in the last few months is discovering and falling in love with the anime Jujutsu Kaisen, and being introduced to the band Orbit Culture. Who I was sure I had heard before, but I thought wrong. They’re the best, for sure. Definitely a Metallica influence, but I love every second of it. Check them out:
I’m going to be doing some updates around here – basic housekeeping and updating information/links, etc, so look out for that. I have some new poetry that I’m going to add, so I will post again when I do that. Also going to be working on some witchy content. I know I promised that before, but creative block is a bitch.
I have been really enjoying this song by Molchat Doma, so I wanted to just leave it here to share with you all. This has been very much my vibe lately.
I had originally planned to make this post for the first week of January, but things in Offline Land have been quite chaotic, so I unfortunately have been unable to actually sit down to type it out until now. Not to mention, I have been quite engrossed with the insurrection situation that has been going on in the USA. I seem to always end up doom scrolling on Twitter, and that’s never good for anyone. I’m trying to stop myself, but I get sucked in, and it hasn’t been good for my already-sky-high anxiety levels.
Anxiety… where to begin. As part of the legal situation I am in right now, I have been dealing with being investigated by the Ministry of Children and Families. My anxiety has basically rendered my blood pressure medication inert. I can’t seem to get below 150/100 and it’s been concerning, because I’m no longer used to my blood pressure being that high and it can be painful. Think of… really powerful heart palpitations after drinking too much Red Bull. But it’s constant. I am hopeful that the investigation will be concluded soon with a positive result, but it’s been stressful to say the least. I’m quite a private person and I protect my space, and having to throw everything wide open for the eyes of a stranger has been… violating, to say the least. The day before the home visit, I couldn’t eat and what I did manage to keep down just went right through me. I am also trying to catch up on my sleep… I haven’t been sleeping as well as I should be. I have been thinking about taking a trip down to the dispensary and getting their advice on a good strain for sleep, but the price of marijuana is a bit crazy and outside my budget at the moment.
The charges have been approved against my former partner and we’re moving on to the next steps. Thankfully, the Crown prosecutor who is dealing with my daughter’s case has been very kind and has been super helpful with answering my dumb questions. The coordinator at Victims Services has been amazing with me, too. She calls me regularly to check in to to update me on how things are proceeding. I have not yet had to appear in court, but I’ve been told that if things proceed to trial, myself as well as my daughter will have to testify. I’ve been assured that everyone involved will be focused on preventing re-traumatization, which was something I have been concerned about because I still don’t know to what extent this has affected my daughter. I probably won’t for a while. She starts her own counselling next Friday, and I am continuing with my counselling, and I am hoping that somewhere down the road, we will have sessions together.
Emotionally… I seem to be doing a lot better than I was. Counselling has helped me a lot, and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and reading and just kind of… been sitting in my own space. I’ve predominantly been dealing with a lot of anger, and a lot of resentment, but I am working with my counselor on ways to cope with that. Having Christmas with my family was really good – I got to make dinner and the turkey turned out incredibly (see picture on left – I didn’t manage to get an after picture because everyone was too hungry to wait). My brother was a big help because we found out halfway through dinner preparation that the meat thermometer was broken. Matt works in a kitchen, and though he’s not a trained chef, he works with trained chefs and his sense of timing when it comes to food is pretty impeccable. Not to mention, he’s a big follower/supporter of Gordon Ramsay, and he is very studious of what Gordon teaches. I was very thankful for his help. As far as presents were concerned, my daughter made it out like a bandit. I got a Starbucks gift card, a beautiful tapestry of a spirit/Ouija board, socks, a lovely witchy looking mug with a tabby cat on it, the new Sevendust CD and my sister bought me this gorgeous Jack Skellington Scentsy warmer. It’s so beautiful. I was really happy with my gifts. Overall, I had a nice, quiet, family Christmas. New Years was spent at home, watching movies and pigging out on the couch. I think I made it to about 12:30 before I had to go to bed. Seems to been the pattern with how I’ve spent my New Years for the last few. This time I have no one to kiss, though. Which was okay, I handled it better than I thought I would.
In the tradition of new years past and present, normally I would post my list of resolutions and goals, but with the current situation and what I’ve going through… I’ve decided not to do that. One of the things I have to learn in 2021 is to be by myself. I don’t need the presence of a significant other in my life to be valid, I don’t need the praise of a partner to be happy. Is it going to suck? Yeah. I love being in love; I think that I just… love the concept of “love” in general and I have always moved between serious relationships. I am hopelessly forever a romantic, and I have always believed that one day my Gomez Addams would claim my dark little heart, that my Mr. Darcy would walk out of the morning mist and tell me on bended knee about how I had bewitched him and he couldn’t go on without me. I think that I need to just… kill that fantasy and accept how unrealistic and unreasonable it is. Every person I have ever been in a relationship with has been either a predator, a cheater, someone who didn’t actually like me that much and just kept me around for sex, or someone who used me as a beard and was too homophobic to admit they’re gay. And as whoever comes up with those inspirational quotes always says… if none of your relationships work out, maybe you’re the problem. I think I am. I put these people into these places that they don’t fit, just because I want love so bad and I want to be someone’s wife so bad. I have to accept that that is a “me” problem, and I need to fix it. My life hasn’t gone how I had planned or wished it had, and that’s okay. I have lost myself and I need to find and define that what makes me “me.” I need to learn to love and be with myself. Then maybe, the right one will come. And if not, if I am to join spinsterhood and be firmly placed on the shelf, then that’s okay too because I will be happy with me.
I wasted 2020 worrying about things I couldn’t control. 2021… well… I don’t want to spout off about “new year, new me” crap because I never keep those goals. It’s the same me, but this year I am going to work on myself and that’s the only goal I am making. All aspects of my self, and maybe come 2022, I will finally be someone I can be proud of and happy with.
I have started and re-started this entry so many times, I have lost track at this point. I guess I am just making this quickly to say that I am okay, and that I am still alive. It has been difficult to stay that way, and it’s a daily struggle, but so far I am day-to-day and that’s enough for me right now, I guess.
My life has effectively fallen apart in the last month, and I am struggling quite a bit to get myself back into step and back into some semblance of functionality. To protect the privacy of my daughter and because of the legal implications, I can’t talk specifics about what has happened, but there was an incident that happened in October that has split my little family up. I had to go to the police, and thankfully the Victims Services division was able to get me into crisis counselling, which I have started and it seems to be helping. I have placed a lot of blame on myself that doesn’t belong to me, which I am learning to deal with. I am suicidal, for the first time in a very long time, and I am learning to deal with that as well. I considered taking off of work and checking myself into the hospital, but I seem to need the distraction of work and maintain my routine in order to keep myself afloat. Not to mention, I wouldn’t want my colleagues to know… despite the rules, people talk amongst themselves and this is something I would be mortified for them to know about. Anxiety has been my constant companion since everything occured, and though I have Ativan to take as needed when I start to panic and get overwhelmed, I now have a tremor in my hands and I get spasms in my face. My appetite comes and grows. The desire to sleep and do nothing else comes and goes. I am hoping that with time, this will resolve, but this is one of those issues that I feel is going to take months to heal. Maybe years. Maybe it won’t. The fact that I have no definitive timelines for anything gives me more anxiety. I am a planner, and this is something that can’t be planned for and I think that’s one of the reasons I am struggling so bad.
My counsellor says I need to take this time to grant myself forgiveness, grace, and compassion, but I am having difficulty with that. She says I am trying to take on too much at once and she is correct in that, but that is part of who I am and that’s one of the things I need to work on.
I have always been someone who has thrived in solitude, has flourished in the silence of things and preferred the company of self to the company of others. This is still true, but at times after I put my daughter to bed, the solitude and the silence and being alone is completely overwhelming. I keep thinking that this entire thing was a bad dream and that I’m in an apparition and I’ll wake up and my life will be how it was before, but once I’m alone, it sinks in and it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. This year has been all about adjusting to “new normals,” and I now hate every second of it. This is absolute hell to me, and the misery is almost like having this living, breathing, thing attached to me and weighing me down. I feel like I’m standing at the bottom of a very steep hill, and I’m watching a giant boulder roll down towards me, but I can’t move out of the way because my feet have fused to the ground. I’m going to be crushed and I can’t stop it from happening.
Some days are better than others. Some days, like today, I am able to fake it. It’s exhausting. I feel powerless.
But anyway. I am as okay as I can be, and I’m still alive. I’m going to try and come back to this space; I am quite disconnected from my life and forcing myself to plug back in might help. Who knows.