• Daily

    1151.

    I have started and re-started this entry so many times, I have lost track at this point. I guess I am just making this quickly to say that I am okay, and that I am still alive. It has been difficult to stay that way, and it’s a daily struggle, but so far I am day-to-day and that’s enough for me right now, I guess.

    My life has effectively fallen apart in the last month, and I am struggling quite a bit to get myself back into step and back into some semblance of functionality. To protect the privacy of my daughter and because of the legal implications, I can’t talk specifics about what has happened, but there was an incident that happened in October that has split my little family up. I had to go to the police, and thankfully the Victims Services division was able to get me into crisis counselling, which I have started and it seems to be helping. I have placed a lot of blame on myself that doesn’t belong to me, which I am learning to deal with. I am suicidal, for the first time in a very long time, and I am learning to deal with that as well. I considered taking off of work and checking myself into the hospital, but I seem to need the distraction of work and maintain my routine in order to keep myself afloat. Not to mention, I wouldn’t want my colleagues to know… despite the rules, people talk amongst themselves and this is something I would be mortified for them to know about. Anxiety has been my constant companion since everything occured, and though I have Ativan to take as needed when I start to panic and get overwhelmed, I now have a tremor in my hands and I get spasms in my face. My appetite comes and grows. The desire to sleep and do nothing else comes and goes. I am hoping that with time, this will resolve, but this is one of those issues that I feel is going to take months to heal. Maybe years. Maybe it won’t. The fact that I have no definitive timelines for anything gives me more anxiety. I am a planner, and this is something that can’t be planned for and I think that’s one of the reasons I am struggling so bad.

    My counsellor says I need to take this time to grant myself forgiveness, grace, and compassion, but I am having difficulty with that. She says I am trying to take on too much at once and she is correct in that, but that is part of who I am and that’s one of the things I need to work on.

    I have always been someone who has thrived in solitude, has flourished in the silence of things and preferred the company of self to the company of others. This is still true, but at times after I put my daughter to bed, the solitude and the silence and being alone is completely overwhelming. I keep thinking that this entire thing was a bad dream and that I’m in an apparition and I’ll wake up and my life will be how it was before, but once I’m alone, it sinks in and it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. This year has been all about adjusting to “new normals,” and I now hate every second of it. This is absolute hell to me, and the misery is almost like having this living, breathing, thing attached to me and weighing me down. I feel like I’m standing at the bottom of a very steep hill, and I’m watching a giant boulder roll down towards me, but I can’t move out of the way because my feet have fused to the ground. I’m going to be crushed and I can’t stop it from happening.

    Some days are better than others. Some days, like today, I am able to fake it. It’s exhausting. I feel powerless.

    But anyway. I am as okay as I can be, and I’m still alive. I’m going to try and come back to this space; I am quite disconnected from my life and forcing myself to plug back in might help. Who knows.

  • Music

    1111.

    Really feeling this song lately, so I had to share. I feel the words in my bones, and it has the witchy vibe that I love so much, so please enjoy.

    That’s really all from me at the moment. I have a few things in the works… I hope to share some of that here soon. I’m back in cognitive behavioural therapy and that has really helped with getting the cobwebs out of my brain and the creative juices flowing again, so I will share some of those musings once time permits me to type them up.

    Infernal blessings.

  • Daily,  Music

    999.

    How is everyone doing? Hopefully you are all handling yourselves well, washing/sanitizing your hands, not touching your faces, and staying a reasonable distance away from others. I know I am. At this point, I’m pretty sure my blood type has been altered to be just various kinds of Lysol and MicroBan, LOL.

    A lot of people aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing, though. We’ve been in Phase 3 for… a little over a month now, and cases are now starting to go up again. I just shake my head. It’s really exhausting attempting to reason with people, arguing with people, trying to convince them that corona is real and it’s still ongoing. People can’t seem to listen to reason, and I just can’t help but feel that as a collective, society has just decided that they’re over it and are trying to go back to living their lives as before. But then at the same time, people are arguing and saying that it isn’t fair that the kids have to go back to full time education in the fall. I just say, which is it? Either the virus is a big enough deal that the children aren’t safe, or it’s not really and you can go to the lake for the weekend with 8 000 other people to drink and be stupid like you did before. Can’t have it both ways, Karen.

    I don’t get it. The whole entire ordeal is exhausting. I’ve only just now started leaving my apartment for non-employment related or non-essential trips. My family and I went to Starbucks for the first time in… months on Saturday, and just sat and enjoyed coffee, but we had our masks with us and only took them off when we were in our booth. Even though our community risk is low, and has been low, I don’t want to take too many chances because I am already exposed at work.

    I would be lying if I said my mental health hasn’t been a colossal dumpster fire these last couple months. I had all of these plans to do things, but with the stress of work and the virus situation, the stress with finances and not qualifying for any of the Canadian government assistance, dealing with an equally (sometimes much more so) depressed partner, and then the kids… I haven’t managed to complete any of my goals. I am super behind in my witchcraft studies, my apartment is a cluttered mess, and I don’t do much other than lay in bed and attempt to read. My life seems to be a raging river at the moment, and even though there are some calm spots here and there, most of the time I feel like I can’t get my head above the water for more than a few seconds at a time. I am hoping to start getting back into my journaling and my meditation practice, as that was helping me a good deal. The hardest part is actually doing it, because I look around and I just am… in despair, and overtired without a second wind coming on.

    The kids are doing well, though. Emilie is excited to go back to school, and she has made a good friend in our building, which I am excited about for her. I feel bad for my little butterfly sometimes, because she is such an extroverted star, and she got saddle with an introverted black hole of a mother. I am going to be making a better, more concentrated effort to take part in social things with her once her school starts back up, but with the pandemic going on right now, I am not sure how that is work at this point. I am still waiting on confirmation from Emilie’s school as to what their plan is. The mandate from the education minister didn’t say too much other than the students were going back full time in September.

    I don’t really have much to say. Just going through the gigs, I guess. Tonight I’m going to try and do some writing (I feel a poem or two maybe), and if the heat calms down a bit, I might do some meditation on the balcony. Put on some Icon & The Black Roses and tidy up. I don’t know. Anyway. Until next time, enjoy some Shreddy Krueger: